Tuesday, September 16, 2003

 Some things never change. 

Part of what has occupied my mind - and really my mental state - for the past several months is my upcoming wedding. Oddly, I've not seen fit to blog at all about it. I'm not quite sure why, but with less than a month to go, I'm feeling the need to get back in the swing of blogging, and write about what is on my mind lately.

Today I got three RSVPs from friends. Two of them are from very old friends, from my high school days back in ol' Prairie Village. One of them just had a kid (his first) less than a month ago, and he told me he couldn't come as a result of all the newborn responsibilities. The other friend's wife is having her second child the day before our wedding, and obviously won't be able to come either.

Perfectly legitimate reasons for not coming to our wedding. So why do I feel so sad and disappointed?

I'm really a rational person. I understand full well what is involved here, and I would likely do the same thing were the tables turned. And yet, as the subject line indicates, some things in me never seem to change, even years - DECADES - after frickin' high school is over. I still feel left out, like a second fiddle or a fifth wheel, even at my own damn wedding. What is it that takes over in my head and causes me to revert like this?

It's stupid and petty. But I can't deny that it's there. It's as if I've construed my self-perception as having grown significantly since those vulnerable times, filling outward in nuance and capacity, when in reality it has only nudged glacially toward adulthood.

Anyway, the good news is that the third friend (friends, really) said they'd come. I'm very grateful for that, twofold - one, it's great to hear in its own right, and secondly, it serves to mitigate against the aforementioned sadness. Maybe this is why self-distraction is a good thing.

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