Monday, April 14, 2008

 The Test 

It's been a long road to get to this point. 3 years ago this wasn't even on our radar, although it was in the back of my mind. Now, we've been trying for over almost 2 years. And we kept thinking that we were just a month away, that the previous month we just didn't quite get the timing right. Month after month was the same result, sometimes delayed, often punctual, but always the same - not pregnant. For the better part of the last year we've sought the help of more holistic approaches - herbs, acupuncture, massage. These practices have their own health benefits, and we are grateful to them, but in the end they did not bring us what we are hoping for.

The emotional rollercoaster became too rough to ride. Too much dread and disappointment for what has become the inevitable monthly result. Finally last fall, I convinced Cindy that we need to see a medical professional and try to diagnose what is happening that prevents us from getting pregnant. It was not an easy job - Cindy has long been reticent to go this route, with reasonable justification. Still, I strongly felt it has been necessary, just to get us out of the rut we've been in and help us answer the scariest question one can have on a subject like this. One always need to be careful what questions to ask, because in the end you may find out answers that you don't like to hear.

We're going in for a more involved test today than the first one we did a month ago. This is the type of test Cindy was reluctant to take, but she has come around to accept as necessary. When it was first spelled out to me, I didn't realize the ultimate nature of the test - the determination of flow constriction in the fallopian tubes. What makes it so ultimate and is that Cindy absolutely refuses to go the IVF route, so that if it is found that the tubes are effectively closed off, then it will be that we can never have children. The tremendous cost and physical difficulty required for IVF makes me very sympathetic to Cindy's concerns, and as difficult as it would be to accept, I would still do so. It would be enormously sad, the import of which I have not fully considered at this point, mostly because I have wanted to be optimistic and have shielded myself from thinking about what this would mean.

If there isn't complete closure of the tubes, then hope remains, and we could still go the route of other non-drug or simpler medical procedures that would improve our chances for a more natural conception. I believe this is what we'll actually find with the Test, but I of course cannot be sure right now. Unlike the first test last month, Cindy herself is unsure of the result - this test measures something that not even she can know, which coming from someone who has a remarkable feel for what goes on invisibly deep inside, really means something. We've reached a level where one really can't have much of an intuition for such things. But I have been a 'rock' through this entire effort, offering consolation and hope for as long as we've been trying, assuaging her continuing doubts and fears, as if the act of merely believing that this is all possible can itself be the last hurdle to overcome. And I will continue to be that person, because right now that's all I've let myself be.

At least for one more day.

tags: personal,
pregnancy, couples,

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